Saturday, November 19, 2011

"I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly!"

Goodbye” is something I’ve been saying a lot lately and truthfully there has not been much good about it. After some pondering and punish amounts of sleep I have also decided that I am not very good with these goodbyes at all. How does one become satisfied with the thought of losing something that they care for even the slightest amount? Is a goodbye really losing someone, or something, or in my case, just misplacing it for a short while? There are all sorts of goodbyes that I have encountered--sweet and savory ones, tearful and hurtful ones, awkward and bitter goodbyes, and even rambunctiously hilarious partings.

With the New Year being here it is probably best to move on from the objects that one clings to. A short, swift goodbye should do the trick! However, the things that I cling to tend to be the things that I love the most, such as ice cream and uncountable visits to the bookstore. Alas, there is no possible way that I can get rid of these…
So another problem occurs. How does one decide what to dispose of in their life? Out with the old and in with the new, right? Not necessarily...

I tend to make pro and con lists for absolutely everything. At any given moment you can find at least seven or eight of these hidden in the depths of my room or in a bag that I may be carrying. I’ve created just a few of these lists recently to help me decide what I can live without and what I can say goodbye to. Items such as old clothes and make up, ancient research papers and notes, random gummi bear wrappers (gross, I know), almost empty hair products, and bits of bad memories were quickly disposed of—never to be seen again.

Then I became exhausted with the thought of rummaging around the abyss of my room and the edges of my tired old mind. It was painful to think of the more important things, like friendships and relationships that I have lost due to goodbyes. Death has stolen my dearest loved ones, jealousy and greed has torn just a few of these relationships apart, and distance has stood menacingly on the road between me and a couple of others while challenging my trust, passion, and other intentions for them.

My most vivid goodbyes, the ones I remember like yesterday, I can still recall impulsively…
--Proudly watching my best friend step through security at the airport on her way to her next big adventure in Colorado (only to return to me 10 minutes later with a hunting knife that had been found in the bottom of her carry on…oops)!
--The last time I saw my grandfather’s big icey blue eyes. He told me to keep playing my music—but, of course,  I haven’t.
--Literally running through the airport in Egypt and being too tired and confused to cry or even say a proper goodbye. Perhaps that wasn’t meant to be a permanent goodbye since a proper one did not occur? One can only hope.  :)
--Bittersweet hugs, precious moments, and unspoken words in Nashville. Sometimes dreams can’t become a reality just yet.
--Telling my best friend in Uganda, Christine, goodbye in the middle of the market place. She held my hand throughout our one hour walk even though others were staring. That was the first time I ever bawled in public but I didn’t even care.
--The first time I left home to drive to UT by myself. My mom stood in the driveway and watched me drift down to the very bottom near our stream. She was still outside when I couldn’t see her in my rearview mirror any longer.
--A sweet kiss on the cheek was how I ended my junior prom date in high school. Thanks to Bongo for being a groovy dancer.
--Senior goodbyes at my last Gamma Sig meeting. My heart swelled with pride because of my amazing sisters and all of the good that they have done for this world.
--Somehow muttering farewell after a night out with Ellie during our time as OL’s. “Officer, I’m a vegetarian here at UT.”

 Many of these goodbyes have not been bad ones but I still dislike them nonetheless. I suppose because of all of these farewells and departing salutations I have developed a sort of immunity. I have strength on these rainy days. The small puddles are invigorating and promising—they make me happy. I have felt pure in this snow and long for summer when I can show my newly cleansed skin. I miss the sun kissing my skin and freckling the top of my nose and cheeks. Even though the sun is gone I know it will return brighter than ever in the spring. I look forward to the changing of the seasons and know there will be goodbyes within each of them. I also know that I too will change with the seasons and can only hope that my roots will grow deeper within this earth, helping me to find myself and grow because of the people that I meet, lose, and love.

Adios, Ciao, Arrivederci, Auf Wiedersehen, Au revoir, Goodbye.

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